Whenever my 14 year old daughter would talk to me about popularity at her school, I would give her heartfelt advice like: “If you don’t care what other people think, you’re free to do what you want. Rise above all that nonsense and it won’t distract you from what’s important. All those people throwing shade are insecure – they are trying to cut people down because they don’t feel good about themselves.” 

    I’d say that while knowing full well that middle school is a viper’s nest of competition, trash talk, betrayal, and other bad behavior. Not unlike plenty of workplaces. Grown-ups tend to be more subtle, but from what I’ve seen, one of the main causes of suffering at work is people being awful to each other for no good reason.

    My hope was to that my daughter could benefit from my own hard-won wisdom about building bulletproof self-confidence. As good as that advice might be, it runs up against not only our cultural conditioning but the very structure of our brains. That makes it pretty hard advice to act on, but understanding the mechanisms behind the human desire for popularity and status gives us an edge in dealing with status games for our own benefit.

    Here’s a quick summary of the science. We inherited much of our brain structure from our mammalian ancestors, structures that we still share. Mammals, including humans, are inherently status conscious. Once survival needs are met, mammals compete for status. Gaining dominance releases serotonin, which makes us feel good while the threat of having to submit to lower status releases cortisol, which makes us feel bad. That serotonin high doesn’t last for long, which keeps people motivated to stay in the status game to keep reasserting their position or climb higher.